Part 812: Kjelle B

Augh! Kjelle!

What'd I do now, Severa?

Don't just drop your old clothes on the floor when you undress!

What, are you worried someone's going to trip?

No! ...I mean, yes! ...I mean, that is so not the point of this conversation! We've spoken about this before, remember? Your utter lack of femininity and decorum? You're acting like a crusty old roustabout!

Being a roustabout is honest work. Without them ships couldn't sail or-

That is so totally the point of what I'm saying! ...It was a metaphor. I meant that you act and sound like a ruffian! A male ruffian!

*Sigh* All right. I can see I'm going to have to step in here. Since you're apparently hopelessly ignorant of even basic beauty tips, I'll teach you. We'll begin with makeup. I trust you're at least familiar with the concept?

I've heard of it, yes.

Well then today is your first lesson! Just come over here to my vanity...Now then! The first step is to build a nice foundation that can-

I'm not letting you put this pasty goop on my face, if that's what you're thinking.

Of course not. ...YOU'RE going to put it on your face! You'll never learn otherwise, right? Now come on! Chop-chop!

*Time passes*

...Wow. That was really, really horrific. Maybe a little demonstration would have been in order after all.

I'm just glad to finally have it all washed off my face! So, how'd I do? Your eyes kind of bugged out, so I'm gussing I did it wrong.

Makeup should accent and flatter the features, Kjelle. Not act as a disguise. You looked like you were preparing to rob the royal treasury.

Accent? Disguise? What's the difference? They both just hide who you are.

No need to be hostile, dear. Let's set cosmetics aside for the time being. A woman's charm is the sum of a thousand tiny, yet deliberate, gestures.

She does not run rough shod around the camp like an overburdened pack animal. She glides as she walks, using light and nimble steps!

Like, uh... This? *stomp* *tromp* *kerplunk*

No, no, no! Graceful, Kjelle! Graceful! Be like a peaceful forest stream! One step flows into the next! Arms, too, are easy and fluid! ...Unclench that fist! Eye contact is critical, but do not stare. A demure glance and smile are sufficient. Even brushing your hair must be a conscious, calculated action.

...No! Not like that! TOSS the hair, Kjelle! Don't ruffle it like an old hound's scruff!

I'm never going to remember all of this.

You will if I make you! With proper training and patience, I'll make you a lady yet!

I'd rather you let me get back to training that actually matters. We're trying to win a war, not a damn beauty pageant!